@trappedslider,
Congratulations!
I'll certainly spread the word for a budding new talent.
If I may offer some constructive criticism of the work, though?
Big fan of Shakespeare much?
With a spy twist, which is nice.
Two houses being married and shenanigans tipped me off to that influence (which may be unconscious/not an authorial intention, especially if you are trained as a writer).
To technical perspective,
There were few (less than 10, from my standpoint, which is AAA good) grammar errors, spelling is correct and meaning comes across generally well (there are a couple of sentences which are unintentionally ambiguous, but that may be your style emerging
).
Format and layout could be improved to aide in readability, and to convey themes of the narrative (experiment a little) but its readable as is.
The characters voices are distinct, and the narrator is fairly unambiguous: this unfortunately leads to a limited number of readings which can be constructed. Phrased differently, there are a lot of ensemble, marginalised (or "window dressing", "extras") characters which propel the story.
I think the only thing lacking in the work is a deeper message or comment on society, especially if we compare this work to say... Tolstoy's War and Peace, or Frank Herbert's Dune, or other narratives which centre on the metonymic and symbollic cultural construct of marriage.
Though the present work isn't necessarily a satire or comment by design, it could have a resonant message which I feel is biting.
In summary,
Anything which encourages young adults to read can only be a good thing; and who knows, the intertextual allusions you make may encourage the audience to read the other works
. This is the first step on the road to writer-dom, and signs are positive.
Have you written anything else? Do you draw as well/have you attempted an illustrated story?
A couple of constructive pointers I'd offer if I may, to add to your toolkit to hone your craft;
1. Check out McCloud's 2005 series on Making/Understanding Comics. You may not be writing in that format, but the section on narrative gaps and the section on narrative construction may be fun for someone of your skill set to play with
. In that vein, checkout T.S. Spivet, its a meta-narrative narrative, or Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions/Slaughterhouse 5 for some inspirational reading
2. Consider writing in a minimalist sense; that is, with less victorian styled, romanticism and play a little more with the narrators and the information that the audience gets. Alan Moore's Watchmen is a great example of para-texts at play
Overall, I enjoyed the read, and hope you do make some more content.
Id like to see a transgressive piece perhaps, or a sci fi? A crossover between genres would be great.
All the best,
Kobayashimaru